on being self-righteous (long post)

was feeling a bit under the weather at work recently that my boss noticed and took me out to lunch this afternoon. john and yoko in greenbelt 5 (i'll be detailed as always because i want to remember, okay?). i ordered two kinds of sushi (just for myself--under the weather nga, eh. gimme a break-- lol at slef-choreo). food wasn't great. 'puro kanin' as my boss put it. i've never been so disappointed with sushi in my life. strong words from me who eats anything, so you know it was that bad. to say that it was tasteless is an understatement. even rustan's soggiest sushi to-go was better. first time ko pa naman jan. maybe i'll give it another chance. but i digress.

anyway, we had a good chat and processed why i was feeling such, etc. i actually loved our little chitchat. we're both psych majors and our talks make complete sense to me. i havent had the chance to talk to anyone like this in so long, so this was nice.

i realized that my mood was affected by an office issue concerning mine and another team's production where my team was at the losing end. i ended up doing the other team a favor, as i always have been doing (i've actually been told sarcastically to quit my job and join the make a wish foundation because i love doing charity work-- this was when i gave out a big bulk of my commission to another person). my point is, it's just money. i'll earn it back naman, i know. but then this ingrate of an agent never thanked me and said something pa in his 'moment' during our monday sales meeting. that really ticked me off big time. unleash banshee jonelski. the kind where you couldn't stop me from talking. people tell me my eyes give me away when im really angry, and this was one of those moments. even my boss got scared of where my actions might lead.

but anyway, since i'm one of the go-go-go people in the office and a big source of positive energy, i decided to be the bigger person and had the presence of mind to quickly switch my position to cut the negativity i was radiating. so after bursting (and mind you in a controlled volume-- i couldn't shout but the intensity was there-- very much like the madz pianissississimo :P) i just dropped it and said i was okay. that it was nothing. and i dropped it like it was scalding and never talked about it again.

we both realized that that was what was eating me up all this time. i was able to suppress it, alright, but as my boss put it, i did not talk about it enough. that was something new that i learned about myself. so we talked about it and processed how i felt. 

i was just really disappointed that there was no gratitude given and that the work that i did wasn't acknowledged. that's it. i really saw the difference that a small 'thank you' made in a situation. i hated the agent and i hated his manager, who i was kinda close to na since he started. i caddy-ed him from his training, up to now. i give encouragements, helped with special computations, heck i even introduced him to my favorite tailor and he's addicted to having his clothes altered now! i really felt betrayed because i felt that he should have taken charge and said something in my defense at that very moment and not make me feel so low, even for a brief moment. (ah, revisiting the feeling-- stupid agent!). i just wanted to feel that someone's got my back like iv'e got theirs all this time. it was an emotional moment, i swear. told my boss naman that i forgave already, but i do not forget. when i told my boss this, she just wanted us daw to be friends again. i told her we're friends naman. it's just that in my book, he's tainted na.

then she told me: so you are self-righteous.

wow. i've never been told that to my face, ever.

and she continues with a story of how she was 'branded' na by her friend once and she really thought it was so self-righteous of her friend to do that. and she went on about how God was so forgiving that who were we not to forgive? she injected faith talks in a surprisingly comfortable manner that i was never queasy about it. i actually got her point and decided that my concept of forgiving and not forgetting is somehow destructive to me.

the rest of our talk focused on that and one way or another, i figured out how to deal with my current position. she suggested that i needed time off from work just to be able to inhale fresh air. perfect. i told her i was going to baguio the saturday after, just a day trip, to attend a wedding and just for the change of scenery. and guess what? she insisted that i take the WHOLE weekend off. i don't remember if my jaw dropped at that point. i was just happy to hear that and we arranged something that would fit my schedule, what with the review classes going on (which i think also contributes to my stress).

so anyhow, we met up with the rest of our workmates and shared a mango and nutella crepe over coffee at cafe breton in gb3. it was a good afternoon. we walked around to window shop a bit before heading back to the office and my boss noticed that my mood was lighter. i did feel lighter in the chest. the release was much called for. i felt so light and the dose of chocolate punctuated my day perfectly.